My Abuser Lives a Normal, Undercover Life

I’ve had my fair share of unhealthy relationships. It has been years since I have become free. I have recovered. I am stronger. I am in a healthy relationship. I am okay. 

But after escaping an abusive relationship, the victim is not the only one that continues to live. The abuser goes on with their life as well. And sometimes, that can be very weird.

I try to avoid my abusers on social media. I don’t need any constant reminders of my traumatic past popping up on my Twitter feed. But when I still am connected to friends who graduated from the same schools as us, or even hang out with them, social media unfortunately sometimes still lets them pop up onto my phone screen and into my mind. 

I try to be positive and forgiving and to not let bitterness and anger consume me when I see them happily living their lives, but it is hard. 

Ex number two is the one who actually shows some remorse for his actions. He calls from time to time to ask for another chance, swearing that he has changed and is different now (as if I haven’t fallen for that one enough times). It’s been almost three years since our relationship ended but the wounds from his abuse still hurt (and some are even still visible). I give him the “I wish you the best. I’m glad to hear you’ve grown so much”. But I’m not sure how much I really mean it. How could I wish him “the best”? This is a man who held me down while he screamed in my face and threatened to kill me. Usually I don’t let it get to me very much, his calls and texts. But last week, a photo he posted popped up on my feed. It was of him and a pretty girl with long brown hair. The comments from his friends were things like “this is your girl?” and “ohh so here’s the one you’ve been bragging about”. It struck me that I didn’t feel a bit jealous but instead I was scared for that girl. For once I hoped that he had really changed, that he was a different man from the one I knew. I stared at the pretty brunette with big white teeth in the photo and wondered if she knew who he used to be, if he truly is no longer that person. I sincerely hoped that she didn’t know and never would. 

Ex number one is different. He has been on and off with a girl for a while now. I know that he treats her almost, if not as bad as he did me. But still, he calls me often and says he loves me, misses me, etc, etc. Anyways, a few months ago she announced through social media that the two were announcing a child. That hurt. And I’m not totally sure why. Was my baby fever kicking in and making me jealous? Was I feeling sad for her that she would now be linked to ex#1 for the rest of her life? I’m still not completely sure. Ex number one and I go way way back. Too much has happened for me to possibly summarize in this blog post. It’s not that I wish it were me who was carrying his child or wished I was still with him. But every time I see that my abusers are living a normal life, it disturbs me. I guess they have to, it’s not like their world just stops spinning after I finally escape. But I think what bothers me most is how loved they are by their peers. Adored, looked up to even. People they have fooled so well, they do not even know who they really are. It makes me wonder how many people I know who secretly go home and scream death threats in the face of their significant other. Every nine seconds a woman somewhere in the United States is being beaten by their partner. So these undercover abusers must be somewhere, right? Maybe we work with them, sit next to them in class, stand behind them in line at the grocery store. 

These feelings largely relate to Kevin Kantor’s poem “People You May Know” (google it & watch the video). It’s about his experience when his rapist showed up under the “people you may know” tab on Facebook. He scrolls through his rapist’s photos and see all his shirtless selfies with compliments of all over the comments. These people had no idea that he was a rapist. 

I’m not saying you need to be paranoid or accuse everyone you run into at the store of being an abuser. But it is interesting to think about how different people can really be from how the rest of the world sees them. 

For now, I will keep hoping that the mask my abuser’s hide behind become their true identities, for the sake of their new significant others. But I will always remember the person they used to be. After all, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”.

“The One with the Domestic Violence”. Why is abuse not taken seriously when the victim is a MAN?

I have to admit that I am a HUGE fan of the television show Friends. For those of you living under a rock who are unfamiliar with Friends, it’s a sitcom about six young adults living in New York. (Of course it’s SO much more than that but for now, we’ll leave it at that.) The circle of friends consists of three women and three men. One of the men, Joey, is the flirtatious, handsome, “ladies-men” character. The episode I want to focus on is one where Joey is dating a new girl, Katie. She comes by the coffee shop (where the group of friends hang out) & says hi to the gang. Her & Joey discuss their plans for later and she playfully punches him. After she leaves, Joey’s friends all comment on how cute and tiny she is and how much they like her. Joey responds with a hesitant “Yeah I guess so…”. When they ask what is wrong he tells them that he likes her but when she hits him, it really hurts. The group bursts out laughing and begin making jokes about him needing a bodyguard to protect himself from this tiny little lady. 
As the show progresses, Joey finally confronts Katie and tells her how much her punches hurt. She takes it as a joke and punches him more. Saying “Don’t make fun of my size!” in a playful way. Joey finally resorts to wearing six coats all at once to protect himself. The problem resolved when Katie playfully punches Rachel (one of the three women) and Rachel realizes the punches do in fact hurt and kicks her. Long story short, the relationship ends.

However, the point is that poor Joey was being abused and nobody cared because he is a man and she was a woman. Let’s imagine that instead it was a woman who was being hit by her male partner. It’s possible, I suppose, but I highly doubt it that her friends would react the same way as Joey’s did. Yes, men are biologically different from women. But we cannot conclude that every single man is stronger than every single woman. And regardless of who is stronger, the point is that abuse is abuse. Maybe Katie’s punches weren’t doing any real damage, not even leaving a bruise, and definitely not life-threatening like some cases of abuse. That doesn’t make it any less abusive. 

As I watch my younger brother grow into a handsome teenager, I am often nosy, trying to find out if he has a girlfriend or a crush on anyone. If my brother was dating a girl, I don’t care what her size or strength is, she will not be punching my brother. Just as I would expect him to respect her and treat her with kindness, she needs to be doing the same in return. As women fighting against violence, and for our freedom and rights, we cannot allow ourselves to have double standards. If it is abuse when a man does something, it is also abuse when a woman does it.

Men are often known as the bad guy, the abuser, in a domestic abusive relationship. I know very well that some men are abusive. But that doesn’t give women the right to be. About two in five victims of domestic violence are in fact men. According to BatteredMen.com, in 40% of severe cases of abuse, men are the victims. 

We’ve been focusing on physical abuse here but I think that more often, women are mental and emotional abusers. And most of the time, we get away with it because of our gender. I watched many of my girl friends abuse their boyfriends in high school. (Of course, back then I didn’t recognize it as abuse.) Controlling your boyfriend, deciding where he is allowed to go, who he is allowed to be with, who he can and can’t text or talk to or hug in the hallways. Ladies, we don’t get to make those decisions!! Girlfriend, fiancé, partner, wife, whatever you call yourself; these words are not, and should not be synonymous with controller, tyrant, master, commander or anything along those lines. Cussing your boyfriend out, calling him names, screaming at him, etc, etc. Ladies, this isn’t healthy. It’s not normal. If you relate to these things or are doing any of these, you are NOT in a healthy relationship. 

Now I know every couple fights. It’s only human to get a little jealous, a little annoyed from time to time. Having a bit of a temper doesn’t necessarily mean you are an abuser. But if these things are happening on a regular basis, get out. Now. Whether it is you doing these things or you are having these done to you. This isn’t love and it isn’t healthy. I know, because I have been there. 

*If you feel unsafe or think your relationship may be abusive, please contact your local domestic violence shelter or The National Domestic Violence Hotline at http://www.thehotline.org or 1-800-799-7233. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911 now.*